I thought that my anxiety had finally subsided. It’s been months since I felt so sick I’m convinced that I’ll throw up. Months since my body shakes so bad that I can’t control it. Months since I’ve been scared for no reason that comes to mind but today it came back.
I don’t know what took it away, but I was so glad to be free of the constant battle with my own fight or flight response. Trains, buses and new cities weren’t scary anymore. When I couldn’t get home I calmly came up with a plan of action and my hands were steady.
This morning I just felt off. I felt light but somehow sick to my stomach. And the next thing I knew I was hiding in the bathroom thinking God how can this be happening again.
Co-workers walked past me too wrapped up in their schedules or maybe just too polite to mention it. I sat there, quietly shaking, until I finally convinced my body to move and go find someone who could understand the feeling.
My guess paid off and after talking for maybe an hour I felt like I had calmed down. But I don’t feel like I’m back to normal. All of a sudden I’m terrified because my anxiety has shown its ugly face again and that I might be subject to it again. In fact I know I will be again.
But what am I supposed to do? Live in fear that every day will be the same? Carry my life on as before and hope it never does come back? It feel like I’ve been knocked down a few pegs but I don’t understand why.
I hate that this has happened but there is no way that I’m going to let it get the best of me. To anyone who has had a not so great start to their week, tomorrow will not be the same as today.
To lighten the mood and in keeping with my last post, here is this morning’s sunrise.